warm summer rain

*brief note: I have been writing a lot lately, but none ready for publishing, even on a little blog like this. So I've been going back in time a bit for you, still relevant to today. This one is certainly not seasonal, but still reflective of what's been on my mind. Thank you for reading as always. Peace and love to you this new year!

California’s summer sunshine parade
of endless dry hot summer days
perfect for spending at the river or lake
and I sure am happy here...
when suddenly surprising me
covered in coffee grounds and cream cheese
is that really what I think I see?
sunny blue sky speckled cumulus-ly
and oh my! it is! a warm summer rain!
before I have time to hesitate
I burst out the back door of the café
and feel drops on my face
my eyes echo warm drops afresh
washing away the rain in turn
washing away the tears springing
from eyes that have seen
this wonder before, long ago
kissing my teenage beau
and further back washing the sidewalk chalk away
my face feels the memories
my clothes wet from this message of home
sent from above clouds filled with love
I never noticed I missed it so much.

head v. heart

Not the first time you’ve answered this way
conveniently clear, yet cutting me so.
I am blessed to be broken.
Vocalizing desire denotes vulnerability
even if it’s only inside.
My heart whispers through my eyes.
My smile spills secrets to anyone who really knows me,
at least.

Ears ringing with the raised voices of head v. heart –
even when two strikes are called by the umpire of ultimatums
the upcoming pitch holds so much hope I can’t help but blur my convictions.
Home run takes on whole new connotations,
the potential of building a home, with you.
Serendipity becomes Providence in my imagination.
I can make a reason for most anyone my heart fancies, a book of reasons
why we’re meant to be.
Yet here again I see that as soon as I unearth the chest of treasured dreams,
I find it empty. Someone else was here before me.
Ashamed of my feelings, tears stinging the very eyes that betrayed me,
pulling down the corners of that once-shouting smile.
Well, this is what I prayed for, intervention.
I just wish I didn’t always end up
alone.

Broken hearts trump other tragedies, no matter the magnitude.
And when it really comes down to it, I just want to
read, write,
teach, learn,
give, grow,
travel, abide,
make music, and fall in love, reciprocally.
Is that too much to ask?
Not here, you say, not now.
But where, I ask, and when?

Silence.

It’s a fucking mess.
But the Spirit still hovers over the chaotic waters of my soul.

hold on to your belief

Another new song. I'll try to get the music up here sometime soon.

I am a fighter
A warrior of peace
Everything in me is expecting some release

I am an artist
I am a beauty queen
I am everything I need to be

I am wanted
I am loved
I am guided and directed from above

You are much higher
But you are my friend
You do not desire for this world and ugly end

Don’t worry, child
Don’t give in to apathy
A time to be still, a time to get up and fight till we’re all free

We are equals
We are on the same team
The enemy among us is not always as it seems

Pass through the fire
Pass through the storm
Dive in and dig through all the shit until you are reborn

Learn from the Father
Learn from the Earth
Learn from all who’ve gone before and those who gave you birth

Give thanks for the struggles
Give thanks for the relief
Give thanks to God in this moment and hold on to your belief

Areopagitica song

I wrote this song for my John Milton class Creative Project in response to Milton's Areopagitica, a treatise he wrote to the English Parliament in the mid 1600s insisting that they cease pre-publication censorship. He wasn't successful, but the work is very inspiring to me nonetheless. These are the points that stood out the most to me in lyric form, and since it's Milton, there are several mythological references too. ;) Maybe someday I'll get it up here with sound or video, but for now here are the words:

Verse 1:

Psyche sits sorting those various seeds
Venus’ jealous rage she must appease
Impossible to do in time on her own
But the little ants helped so she wasn’t alone
Another impossible task at our feet
To uproot all evil like tares from the wheat
Christ warned this task is not ours to do
Since it’s likely by accident we’ll kill the good too

Chorus:
I’ve got freedom to find my own place to stand
But my well-reasoned rocks, they keep turning to sand
I’m choosing for love’s sake to stay in God’s hands
Though I cannot see them and I don’t understand
The Spirit moves in me like the wind moves a leaf
But when seeking the Truth, there’s no lasting relief
These moments of clarity are often too brief
But the joy in the journey of life’s worth the grief
Yeah the joy in the journey of love’s worth the grief

Verse 2:
Proteus was a tricky shape-shifter
Spoke lies before bound and the truth only after
But Truth herself beats the strength of mankind
She’s a shape-shifter too, quite hard to define
You may think you’ve pinned her, but she’s pinning you
Every day is a chance to learn something new
You can’t judge another, just God sees the heart
And our virtue should never be threatened by art

Verse 3:
Truth like Osiris was mangled and torn
The sad friends of Truth like Isis do mourn
We search and we search for her pieces to find
But inevitably always some get left behind
Her dismembered body we want to make whole
The corpse resurrected, an embodied soul
We will keep seeking though the search will not end
Till Christ’s second coming, Truth’s fine form to mend

my life, whole

snake song

I am the snake
in the desert sand, who
just found the perfect rock
surface against which to
scratch, peel, tear off this
old, dry skin and reveal the
regenerated flesh
below.

Little by little I leave
my dead skin behind
like an ugly shell,
useless, void of life and
being. Discarded it blows
away, and I slither
onward.

Thank you, Creator, for the
newness of life you bring,
the sweetness of the fresh
air on my fresh skin, even
in this dry sand, I am
revived.

a young woman's prayer

Love my hair
The things it wears
The thoughts it bears
Love my mind
Memories stored
Images bored
Love my eyes
The tears they cry
The words that fly
Love my lips
The kisses they share
The burdens it bears
Love my back
The strength it supplies
Where feelings arise
Love my heart
The life it sends
Where hunger ends
Love my breasts
Where womanhood dwells
Slowly it swells
Love my womb
Where seeds are sown
Making us moan
Love my sex
Sacred and holy
Touching and holding
Love my hands
Hardworking and able
Strong, fast, and stable
Love my legs
Folding at rest
Humble yet blessed
Love my feet
Love me whole
My body, my soul
Like rain falls from the skies
On one who laughs, cries
Hopes, sighs
Believes, denies
Fails, flies
Lives, dies
Love me all, love me true
And keep me loving you

clear water bends the light

Clear water bends the light.
Light and shadow ripple on skin, beautiful.
texture (pebbles on smooth rocks)
texture (pillowy slippery algae spots)
texture (goosebumps and small patches
I missed shaving) The river’s skin
these tiny waves I’m in
Spirit binding particles and waves into
water, rock, woman.
What would I see if my eyes could perceive
that binding reality? Ridges forming Vs
valleys and peaks, my body
repeats the imagery. Concentric rings
forming solid things, sunbeams bend
and show me the beauty.
What all is there that I do not see?
What else is there for you to show me?
Ridges and teeth, all-consuming
we’re all consuming your all-consuming
fire energy cycle sourced
from your power of love.

what are you?

“What are you?”
Nod if you’ve heard that one before,
if you’ve wondered,
what does that even mean?

I’m never really sure of the right answer
so there are a range of responses that I offer.
“I’m American” kind of means nothing,
like I have no heritage worth mentioning.
“Well, my birth certificate says I’m white…”
but with that answer no one is quite satisfied.
“So do you want a list?
Welsh, Spanish, English, Irish,
German, Native American
and maybe a great-great grandmother who was Mexican.”

So what do I know about any of them?
So, what?
And I don’t think my blonde-haired sisters
are ever asked this somewhat innocent
though slightly invasive question,
“What are you?”

But don’t get me wrong, I’m fine.
People don’t discriminate me
though distinctly off-white.
In fact, it’s nice to blend in when
traveling in Latin America or even India.
Why, I’ve had strangers start to speak
to me in all kinds of other tongues
assuming I spoke the same one.
When I was a child, people swore
“She must have been adopted.”
Depending on the degree of my tan
and my current hair style people tend to ask
if I’m Middle Eastern or even half-black.

But now, I’m off-track.
The truth is that race is a biological fiction
and yet it’s a very real social construction -
you can’t find race in our genes,
but you sure can find racism in our streets,
racism that’s justified acts of domination
and taught the so-called “privileged” ones
the melting-pot myth of assimilation.
The more I learn, the more I become
aware of how very little I do know
about what I am, or where I came from.
For heaven’s sake, history books state
there’s a war running through my veins,
some of my ancestors committing rape
and genocide and all kinds of hate
on the others. “Us and them,” not brothers.
Well “us and them” is “us and us” for me
and I want peace. I want to listen to the voice
of my mothers, the white, brown, and red ones.
I cannot in good conscience check any
one box, because to check one
is to deny the others, and to claim one,
I must recognize the ignorance left to be undone.
Imperial conquest institutionalized silence.
Civilized progress leaves me embarrassed
of some and uneducated about the rest.
And maybe I’m not fine because
that does give me pains in my chest.

Our modern glorification of technology,
our stubborn insistence of autonomy,
even our born-again spirituality
can serve to blur the lines that trace
us back to our ancestry.
There is more to me than my ethnicity
but it remains a part of my identity.
I need to find the roots of my family tree,
so I can grow to embody
and embrace the multi-colored leaves
of our common race, our humanity.