leaning in to loneliness (bikram meditations)

Maybe I’ll always have this sadness.
Maybe I always have.
A heart that’s honest
never stops loving, never stops longing,
never grows out of being lonely.
I’ve always had this sadness in my hands,
a nostalgic film shrink wrapped to my skin.
Day to day I assign these feelings to passing situations,
people, circumstances that are always changing
but never changing is the feeling of weight
a heaviness in my very heart
thick air in my lungs
a parched throat and I keep drinking
the water, the bubbles, the nicotene, the THC
won’t quench it. Prayers precede more tears
and for a moment there is relief
but it’s with a solemn nod, an understanding
that there is no ongoing lightness
and the sadness taps back into my soul
with a foamy head spilling over the sides.
There’s nothing more lonely than sleeping
in a bed with a friend who won’t hold you.
And so it’s reassigned to someone, something new
whether or not the facts are true
it always brings me back to you.